The Pith Report: Teen Reaches Pulling-Away-When-Mother-Brushes-Hair-Out-Of-Eyes Phase

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first job in advertising. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.

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Teen Reaches Pulling-Away-When-Mother-Brushes-Hair-Out-Of-Eyes Phase

DEERWOOD, MN – 15-year-old Jeremy Thurber has reached the critical pulling-away-when-mother-brushes-hair-out-of-his-eyes phase, researchers reported Wednesday. The scruffy, dour sophomore showed signs of entering the touchstone phase in recent weeks as he chastised his mother multiple times for her comments on his ‘outfit.’ “At approximately 10:22 A.M. Central Time, Suzanne Thurber picked up her son from Deerwood High and subsequently stopped to chat with a fellow mother,” said teen psychology specialist Bart Jardine. “During this encounter, the acquaintance happened to remark on Jeremy’s sudden growth spurt (which is a natural occurrence for a boy his age). This casual remark lead to Mrs. Thurber smiling and brushing the hair out of her son’s eyes, which was in turn met with with the younger Thurber stepping back and frowning.” Researchers were worried Jeremy would never reach the watershed stage after he appeared to entirely skip the rolling-his-eyes-when-adults-use-teenage-lingo phase. “It’s a huge moment for any boy,” Jardine said. “We’re also hoping to witness the fake-masturbating-while-teacher-is-turned-around stage in the next few months.”