Fresh Nonfiction: A Selection of Random Interactions with My Last Employer
Illustration courtesy of sydneycomicsguild.org.
A collection of creative nonfiction across all forms of media, Fresh Nonfiction covers the embarrassing, awkward, mundane, and meaningful. (And it all actually happened).
A Selection of Random Interactions with My Last Employer
Once upon a time, I had a bad job. This wasn't a fresh experience - I've worked a lot of gigs over the years (15 by last count), some less-than-great but none I've ever walked out on or been fired from. My point is: I've packed lunch for some poopy jobs...but this one was some next-level-sewage. An office devoid of life, an off-the-charts turnover rate, and the boss was very racist, very abusive, and very not funny. The whole endeavor even inspired a Salon article (after I gave my notice, of course). From that position, and my love of Frasier, this piece, the non-birthright-twin of the two, was also born (scenes I and II).
“OOLONG HAPPENS”
INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – MORNING
[Daphne is making tea in the kitchen]
[Frasier enters]
Frasier: Daphne, what is that?
Daphne: It’s an electric kettle. Boiling water for my tea.
Frasier: Oh. Smells like dog shit.
[Frasier exits]
[Daphne shuffles to her room and begins flipping through the Want Ads]
~
“PATIENCE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD”
INT. FRASIER’S STUDIO AT KACL – LATE MORNING
[Frasier enters Roz’s office with papers in hand]
Frasier: Roz, can you fit all these disclaimers on one page? Make the whole thing a two-page document rather than a four…
[Frasier hands papers to Roz]
Roz: There are two-and-a-half pages of disclaimers alone here, Frasier…
Frasier: Yeah. Just tighten the margins and shrink the text. It’ll fit.
Roz: I don’t think there’s any way the compliance department is going to approve that.
Frasier: You think this is my first compliance rodeo, Rizzo? Just fit it all on one fucking page and show it to me.
[Frasier storms out of Roz’s office]
[Roz calls her mother and cries into the phone]