The Pith Report: Threatened Polar Bears Launch Counter-Offensive

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first job in advertising. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.

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Threatened Polar Bears Launch Counter-Offensive

ARCTIC OCEAN, NP – As one of the latest animals to receive the ‘threatened’ designation by the U.S. Government, polar bears have surprised researchers by recently launching group counter-attacks. Jeopardized by greenhouse gases and the rapid melting of their Arctic sea-ice habitat, the great white bears of the north have taken matters into their own paws. “This is a rare phenomenon indeed,” remarked biologist and bear researcher Ted Parnell. “The last time we saw something like this was Cameroon in ‘92, when Talapoin monkeys started siphoning gas from logging trucks to fuel their own rival refinery.” The counter offensive has mainly focused on greenhouse-gas emitters, with reports of the bears cutting alternator belts on cars and welding factory doors shut. “It shows tremendous tenacity,” said Parnell. “They aren’t just sitting on their thumbs in the Arctic. They’re taking it to the streets.” Law enforcement has been reluctant to become involved until a union boss for Shanley Paper Co. was assaulted outside of his home last Thursday, allegedly by a gang of polar bears. Police say they are still investigating the incident but no arrests have been made.